💌 THE SOULINXUÉ CONFESSIONAL #011
Relationship Stage: Dating. Four months in. Everything seemed to be going well… until I started keeping score.
💭 THE CONFESSION
I’ve been seeing this woman for about four months and I really liked her.
She was warm, funny, affectionate. When we were together, I never questioned whether she liked me.
The problem was everything in between.
I was always the one texting first.
I was always suggesting the date.
I was always calling.
She’d happily agree to see me, and we’d have an amazing time. Everytime.
But she rarely initiated anything herself.
At first, I didn’t think much of it.
Then I planned a weekend away for us.
I was actually excited about it.
The night before, she cancelled.
Her friend was going through something and she wanted to be there.
She apologised and said we should reschedule.
I told her,
“It’s fine.”
But something about it bothered me.
I automatically felt distanced.
I started wondering if I was more invested in it, than she was.
And instead of asking her, I did something I’m not particularly proud of.
I decided to test her.
I stopped texting first.
I didn’t suggest another date.
I didn’t call.
I just waited.
Day one.
Nothing.
Day three.
Nothing.
Day five.
Still nothing.
I kept checking my phone.
I told myself,
She’ll reach out.
She didn’t.
Two weeks went by.
Eventually, she sent me:
“Hey, hope you’re well.”
I replied.
But I was cold.
She asked me what was wrong.
And instead of telling her how I actually felt, I said:
“Nothing. Just matching your energy.”
She went quiet for a bit.
Then she said:
“I honestly thought you weren’t interested anymore.”
That stopped me.
I told her I’d been waiting for her to show me that she wanted me.
And she said:
“But I thought I was showing you.”
Apparently, from her perspective, she’d been showing me she cared every time she happily spent time with me, opened up to me, made space for me and told me how much she enjoyed being with me.
And I didn’t realise she was interpreting my silence as me bring uninterested.
The thing is…
I still don’t know who was supposed to make the next move.
Maybe I was asking for too much.
Maybe she wasn’t giving enough.
Now we’re not together.
And the part that bothers me most is that I don’t know if she actually wasn’t interested enough…
or if I was just afraid of being rejected, so much that i rejected her first.
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❤️ THE SOULINXUÉ DECODE
COMPATIBILITY
7/10
There appears to have been genuine chemistry and interest, but your expectations around reciprocity may not have been aligned. Compatibility isn’t only about enjoying each other. It’s also about understanding how each person gives and receives interest.
COMMUNICATION
5/10
This is where the relationship seems to have broken down. You were noticing something that mattered to you, but instead of communicating it, you tested it. She was apparently showing interest in ways that made sense to her, but neither of you clearly explained what you needed from the other.
EMOTIONAL SAFETY
6/10
There was clearly affection, but uncertainty began replacing security. Once you started measuring who initiated, every interaction became evidence for or against how much the other person cared.
RECIPROCITY
6/10
You were putting in effort in ways that were important to you. She may have been reciprocating in ways that were important to her. The problem is that neither of you knew whether those efforts were actually being received as intended.
GROWTH POTENTIAL
7/10
There may still be something worth understanding here. Time and distance can give you enough perspective to separate a genuine incompatibility from a reaction to one painful moment.
OVERALL RELATIONSHIP SCORE
6.5 / 10
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❤️ IF YOU WERE MY BROTHER…
First of all, Kudos on your self awareness, it takes a lot to be able to face your fear of rejection and see that it may be affecting you in ways that it shouldn’t.
You know, I think it’s important to remember that you could be giving someone a level 10 effort, but because of their own experiences, trauma, their inward outlook on life and love, they could be receiving your level 10 as a level 2 because they have completely different expectations.
And I don’t think it was necessarily right or wrong for you to walk away. You’re allowed to want a woman who initiates, makes you feel wanted and reciprocates your energy.
But I do think a conversation about those preferences and expectations could have changed this entire scenario.
It may still have turned out that you weren’t aligned. She may not naturally love or show interest in the way you need someone to. And that’s okay.
But you didn’t really give her the opportunity to understand what you needed before you tested whether she’d notice your absence.
And whether that test was right or wrong, it may have been slightly preemptive. You don’t actually know what her lack of initiation meant.
So now you’re sitting in a position that, strangely enough, could be a good thing.
You have some time and distance.
And sometimes distance gives you something emotion can’t:
objectivity.
Look back at the relationship properly.
Was this one situation that triggered something in you?
Or were there multiple moments where you consistently felt like you were giving more, initiating more and wanting more?
If there were more than just this one scenario, more than one cancellation, more than one excuse, more than one moment where you walked away feeling like you weren’t being chosen… then don’t ignore that pattern either.
But if this was largely one moment that made you question everything, I’d ask yourself whether you gave this woman enough of a chance to actually show you who she was.
If you think she is worth the attempt, I’d have the conversation.
Tell her what you need.
Ask her what she thought she was giving.
And if you choose to have that conversation, I need you to be open-minded to the fact that she could have her own set of triggers and growth needed to overcome things that allow her to initiate.
And whether you are prepared to stand beside her on that journey is also a choice that you need to make, with your well-being in focus.
You cannot choose someone’s growth for them. You can only decide whether what they are willing and able to work on is something you are prepared to walk alongside.
Then see whether the two of you are actually capable of meeting somewhere in the middle.
Because maybe the answer is that you weren’t compatible.
But maybe you weren’t incompatible either.
Maybe you just never actually told each other what you needed.
And I think that’s worth knowing before you close the door completely.
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🖤 A TRUTH YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO HEAR
You had information:
“I’m always initiating and she’s rarely initiating.”
But instead of turning that information into:
“This matters to me. I need more reciprocity. It would mean a lot to me if you initiated sometimes. How does that make you feel?”
I want you to consider what made you choose to test her rather than simply say this.
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❤️ HAVE A STORY OF YOUR OWN?
Every heart is made of a thousand pieces. Each one holds a story.
Yours might be the one that helps someone else feel a little less alone.
Share your story anonymously through The Soulinxué Confessional.
💬 JOIN THE CONVERSATION
If you feel like you’re always the one making the effort, do you communicate it…
or pull back and see if they notice?
Is testing someone’s interest ever justified?
Or should you always ask for what you need before walking away?
What would you have done?